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Archive for November, 2011

I had a very difficult time for the past year. I turned out without a job and single, with a sick parent and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I had to pawn my TV, that’s how bad the situation was, and I knew that if only I had a good job I’d be able to pull through. Luckily I got that job! Things are looking up and I even have my eye on a neighboring woman in her late twenties. The trouble is my apartment is terribly inhospitable and empty, so I decided to buy a sunburst metal wall art, not only to impress her, but because it wouldn’t hurt me to have a little sun inside my life. I probably don’t realize how the barren apartment affects my mood negatively. I have been out with the woman a couple of times and I think it’s time to ask her over to my place for a movie.

Probably the greatest move Family Feud made was changing the show host. The previous one was boring, he kind of seemed like he had a coat hanger glued to his back, while the new one, Steve, is much more relaxed and talkative. He definitely makes more jokes and is well at ease with raising his voice in amusement, disbelief and mockery. Steve is so funny, he so often gets offended by what the contesters have to say, or what they guess as an answer, and far too many times they turn out to be right, much to his shock. The show is definitely more dynamic now and I started watching it regularly. I missed the start, so I even search for clips on youtube with the best parts of the previous shows. One night I stayed up until five in the morning to watch Family Feud on youtube.

I know lots of people who remember their high-school years with a smile and reminisce of all the great people they met there. I am not one of them, I did not like my classmates for the greater part of school, though my initial attitude towards them was that of adoration. My classmates were idiots, every one of them, their nature was good most of the time, but so lazy and vulgar at all times! And the part time hypocrisy and manipulations were too much for me. They never treated me well, since day one, because I was scruffy and had messy hair, and we all know messy hair if one of the capital crimes in high-school. Well, they found reasons to respect me after a couple of years, but we remained aloof. If I had a chance to go back to high-school I probably wouldn’t do it.

Image by Kaptain Kobold via Flickr

Bernie was a regular guy when he was born, I have known him for only a few years since then. He had some special interest in electricity and physics in general, but it the prime of his teens it gave way to the interest in girl. But something changed about Bernie, he used to conduct small experiments as a kid, and after the girl phase he started again. Along with them, his eyesight got more and more sensitive to light. We went to the ophthalmologist and it turned out he really had developed hypersensitivity for light, so he started wearing shades. He didn’t like it, to my surprise. He avoided sunlight as much as possible, which did nothing bad to his party life. Bernie gradually won the name of “vampire” and that added mysticism to his persona.

I thought the greatest horror in my life is something basic and very not-self-centered, like seeing my loved ones suffer. I know everybody has a personal great horror or two in his heart; the thing was I never felt mine, I had small fears, but I had always managed to cast them away. And all of a sudden the great big fear hits me like a hammer on the head! I am afraid of being poor! Above all things, I am afraid I will someday not be able to afford good medical care and pretty clothes, and I am aware this sounds superficial, but there is more to it. I love to give my money away to people that matter, to buy them drinks of help them take care of their health problems and financial dilemmas. I love to be able to give money away and I know I am very liked for this and I wonder, if I don’t have the money anymore, how many friends will stay?

I have made a very saddening observation- little kids get frightened when they see me, or at least when they look well into my face. Well, you probably expect me to tell you how I see no reason for this, but I am aware of the reason, and kids are cruel and brutally honest, so there is no surprise to me in their reaction. I have a big scar across my face from a decade ago when my roommate attacked me with a knife. He sliced me and it never healed completely. I am researching affordable options to remove it, at least partially, but until then I continue to evoke screams. I see their mothers try to teach the children differently, but they are scared themselves. It’s not my fault! I am not a convict, I am not a shady person at all, but it’s hard to make anybody believe this when you are more terrifying than Al Capone.

Related articles

• Scarred (knitinpublic.com)

I found an excerpt from a book, a novel I suppose, and I was supposed to read it aloud to my class for an exercise and talk about teenagers’ attitude and friendship. But I was struck by the familiarity of the content, I knew the text by heart till the middle, I had read it over and over again in the Skype profile of a friend of mine and I associated the excerpt with myself immediately. I couldn’t figure out which was the book they took it from. I felt very peculiar about this coincidence. It was like somebody was talking about me in my adolescent years, and I even felt the same “neither nor” emotional state today when I was on my own. Who was this text about? Who wrote it? I was disappointed to find out the answer- it was the story of a person struggling with autism.

Can you believe me, if I tell you I sometimes have no idea what I am saying? It’s not that I say stupid things out of imbalanced emotions, they pop out on their own accidentally and I have no consciousness of the idiocy I have just uttered. Sometimes I pronounce words which are phonetically similar like “whale” and “where”, but I also make mistakes when I wonder which of two synonyms to speak out. This has gotten me into more awkward situations than anything else. At first I assumed all this was caused by a severe head trauma I had some time back, but I quickly dismissed this theory, because I have had this problem since my earlier years. The worst was when I failed on a family dinner by saying something completely out of place and I didn’t know, they looked at me like I was mad.

Image via Wikipedia

If you want to provoke real fear in people you can use many strategies. However, I am seeing mostly two strategies- the one of whooping threats and the gun-pulling. It is a pity we have to pull a gun and that we need to scare somebody mindless. This is not how a normal society should function, but when we say normal society we often mean “perfect” and perfect is just impossible for mere humans. I have seen people getting accepted for treatment thanks to a gun threat and it breaks my heart the system has ended up like that. The system is a symbol of evil and of heartlessness, a deadly Catch 22. It is not supposed to be this way. I know there are people who experience fear for their survival, who use guns to survive, and I find it hard to love the world when I think of them.